1. The word tumour scares people. Terrifies them. I can comprehend this as a tumour diagnosis leaves so much unknown. What is it? What caused it? Will it get worse? How do we treat it? This fear of the word is part of the reason I didn't want to tell people. I cannot stand the looks of sadness and pity that follow, and I do not want to be treated differently. At the same time, I hate when it's called anything else. To call it a growth or abnormality seems to insinuate that it's something I shouldn't worry about and something that doesn't have the ability to really mess up my day.
2. Roller coaster emotions after a stressful diagnosis are normal. That being said, I really should not go grocery shopping while dealing with this sort of thing because I end up wanting to punch every person I see in the face (although if you have ever shopped at Superstore you might have felt this urge as well).
3. A strong support system has been vital in getting through this. Knowing that everyone is rooting for me makes dealing with this diagnosis much easier to deal with. I don't know what I would do without my family and friends especially because support groups for this sort of thing are not available outside of large cities (Brandon doesn't count, I guess).
4. A large support system is also exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love that everyone wants to know how I'm doing, but answering the same questions multiple times is tiring. I also sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to have bad days because I don't want to worry anyone or put that hardship on them. This is especially true with work because I want to be able to continue to do my job and not burden my coworkers with my responsibilities, but sometimes I need to check out for awhile.
5. Humour has been the best form of therapy. I think it's important to be able to laugh about scary and negative situations so that they don't overwhelm me. When I was first diagnosed, the best response I got from anyone was a friend saying Priscilla explains why I look so lost on the volleyball court (it's great to have an excuse!). After finding out that the ear-nose-throat doctor will be removing my septum during the surgery, I found I was more stressed out about surgery than I was before. I became so overwhelmed one evening that I was crying and Rob, as comforting and supportive as he has been, said, "Wow, you're really attached to that septum, hey?" That got me to laugh and significantly reduced my stress.
6. As unreasonable as it might be, I find it very ironic, and almost unfair, that I am now a patient with a tumour when I treat patients with tumours in my career.
7. As a patient, I have appreciated health care professionals who are direct and give me all the necessary information, even if it's not pleasant. The one thing that I have hated the most as a patient is when health care professionals talk about me and my case to each other when I am present (like the time the neuro-ophthalmologist spoke to his resident about how unusual my case is for a pituitary adenoma).
8. I have discovered that I am full of contradictions. I have simultaneously wanted to go out and conquer the world to make all my dreams come true while also wanting to do nothing except sit at home and binge watch 20 seasons of my favourite tv shows on Netflix.
9. I have learned to appreciate everything in my life just a little bit more. I try to be more present in my daily interactions, enjoy my time with friends and family, and not get too upset/fight over all the little things that really do not matter at the end of the day.
10. As stressful as some days have been, I have found that my anxiety is a lot better than it used to be. What will be, will be. I cannot control anything except what I put out into the world and I think I have finally made peace with that.
I am sure there are many more things that I could list here and perhaps I will make more lists in the future. My new surgery date/time is quickly approaching and I am finding that I am much more nervous this time around, probably because I know there's no guarantee that it won't be postponed again. I hope that the next update to this blog will be about my recovery. Here goes everything.
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