Originally, this is what I believed. I had come to realize that what will be will be. I was in a good place. I had accepted that I had a pituitary tumour and that my hormones were out of whack. I had come to terms with needing to have brain surgery and then needing to recover from surgery. And after surgery, by last August/September I felt great and was ready to move on with my life, Priscilla free. No need to continue fretting about it.
But then life threw me another curve ball. My prolactin levels were elevated, again. I was ANGRY. I was distressed. I worried that it meant that my tumour was growing back and that I will not be able to have children. I wondered why this was happening to me.
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I ended up putting all of my negative emotions aside and focused on the
positive stuff I had going on in my life.
I was getting married, then going on a two week honeymoon through
Western Canada. Rob told me that if we couldn't have kids, we would just adopt more dogs! I was able to appreciate
the day to day beauty of life. So I was
back to acceptance, and things were good again!
Generally I am a very hopeful and positive person, but I am also very much a realist and value knowledge, particularly when it applies to my health. I know what the possibilities are which is positive in allowing me to know what to keep an eye out for, but also negative if I focus too much on what can go wrong.
I recently found myself in a really dark place again (so confusing, I thought I had accepted my circumstances!). I could not sleep. I could barely get myself through my work days, never mind anything else I had scheduled for the evenings. On weekends where I had no plans, I would spend the majority of my days in bed. This was largely a reaction to feeling physically unwell again: I have started getting headaches and migraines again (though much less frequently than pre-surgery), experiencing ++nausea daily and sensitivity to light and smells. The fatigue has not been getting steadily better as it was late last year; if anything, it feels like I’m regressing in that area. I’m pretty sure I have been grieving the person I was before Priscilla. I used to be active and healthy. I used to be “invincible.”
I have also been tired of having to deal with this illness: the worry that’s always in the back of my mind, the physical effects of it, the follow up appointments that I need to go to every 3-4 months for the REST OF MY LIFE. I just did not want to do it anymore.
Generally I am a very hopeful and positive person, but I am also very much a realist and value knowledge, particularly when it applies to my health. I know what the possibilities are which is positive in allowing me to know what to keep an eye out for, but also negative if I focus too much on what can go wrong.
I recently found myself in a really dark place again (so confusing, I thought I had accepted my circumstances!). I could not sleep. I could barely get myself through my work days, never mind anything else I had scheduled for the evenings. On weekends where I had no plans, I would spend the majority of my days in bed. This was largely a reaction to feeling physically unwell again: I have started getting headaches and migraines again (though much less frequently than pre-surgery), experiencing ++nausea daily and sensitivity to light and smells. The fatigue has not been getting steadily better as it was late last year; if anything, it feels like I’m regressing in that area. I’m pretty sure I have been grieving the person I was before Priscilla. I used to be active and healthy. I used to be “invincible.”
I have also been tired of having to deal with this illness: the worry that’s always in the back of my mind, the physical effects of it, the follow up appointments that I need to go to every 3-4 months for the REST OF MY LIFE. I just did not want to do it anymore.
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But what other choice do I have? I can’t
just stay in bed forever and hide from the world.
I was recently told “It’s okay to have bad days, but try not to stay there.” This was the gentle nudge I needed to get myself out of my slump. I have realized that the stages of managing a chronic health issue are cyclical and endless. For that reason, I know I’m on a lifetime journey of giving myself permission to feel angry and to feel sad, but then finding ways to pull myself back up again.
I was recently told “It’s okay to have bad days, but try not to stay there.” This was the gentle nudge I needed to get myself out of my slump. I have realized that the stages of managing a chronic health issue are cyclical and endless. For that reason, I know I’m on a lifetime journey of giving myself permission to feel angry and to feel sad, but then finding ways to pull myself back up again.
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I am feeling much less alone now. I no longer feel like what I am going through is abnormal. These groups are full of people who understand what I am feeling and seem to provide unconditional support and validation of my concerns. I have also been able to provide my support and experiences to others which, for me, is another huge healing factor.
I am still uncertain about where I stand on several topics relating to “the meaning of life,” but something that I have always kept with me is the belief that everything happens for a reason. Though I still haven’t completely made sense of why Priscilla happened to me, I am trying to apply my experiences and thoughts to my day to day life. I find that I now have a better appreciation of all the little things in life: how beautiful and peaceful nature is, how happy my dogs’ unconditional love makes me feel, how delighted I am just seeing the joy of my friends and family, how amazing it makes me feel to do good things for others…
I am also finding that I can easily let go of the insignificant things that used to make me so unhappy: no longer being able to fit my favourite pair of jeans (who needs pants anyways), not having a spotless house (dust/fur bunnies are my new pets), someone being rude to me (maybe they were having a bad day and yelling at me made them feel better)…
A significant application of my experience with Priscilla has definitely been at the workplace. I find that I am better able to relate to my patients’ experiences and this has helped me be more empathetic. Being able to provide support and understanding to people going through a terrifying journey makes the work I do much more fulfilling.
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Finding some motivation in my life has been essential to keeping me going
forward. I think last year when my life
could have easily fallen apart with the recent diagnosis of a tumour and
subsequently needing surgery, I was able to keep going because I had so many
things to work on. The big one was
recovering from brain surgery (getting my strength back, making it through all
the sinus crusting – so gross – and navigating taste and smell changes).
I was in the process of completing my Bachelor of Science Degree in Radiation Therapy and actually wrote a take home final exam the week after my surgery. I then started taking a required online stats class less than a month after my surgery because it was only going to be offered online this one time and it was the final class I needed for my degree.
7 weeks after surgery I returned to work full-time. This is a decision I somewhat regret because the first few months back were hell for me. I was not eating or sleeping well due to side effects from the steroid I had been taking and going back to work took a lot out of me.
Last summer I had my brother’s wedding to prepare for. I was in the wedding party so I took part in the bachelorette party, making decorations and decorating the hall in the days leading up to the wedding, as well as the rehearsal and the full day of the wedding. As tiring as all of this was, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.
In the same month as my brother’s wedding, I also started to play ultimate Frisbee again. I had been slowly increasing my activity level and thought I was ready. I had warned my team that I likely would not be able to play the entire game and that the other women would need to play more in order to give me a rest in between points. During the first game, my legs gave out at one point and I fell to the ground. I made progress every week and by the end of the season was able to get through a full game with no issues.
After that, I had my own wedding to prepare for. Thankfully we had opted for a small, simple wedding which did not require too much work and I was able to not stress about it too much. It was such a beautiful, intimate day that I will remember forever because I married my best friend who has been by my side, never wavering, every day in this journey.
I was in the process of completing my Bachelor of Science Degree in Radiation Therapy and actually wrote a take home final exam the week after my surgery. I then started taking a required online stats class less than a month after my surgery because it was only going to be offered online this one time and it was the final class I needed for my degree.
7 weeks after surgery I returned to work full-time. This is a decision I somewhat regret because the first few months back were hell for me. I was not eating or sleeping well due to side effects from the steroid I had been taking and going back to work took a lot out of me.
Last summer I had my brother’s wedding to prepare for. I was in the wedding party so I took part in the bachelorette party, making decorations and decorating the hall in the days leading up to the wedding, as well as the rehearsal and the full day of the wedding. As tiring as all of this was, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.
In the same month as my brother’s wedding, I also started to play ultimate Frisbee again. I had been slowly increasing my activity level and thought I was ready. I had warned my team that I likely would not be able to play the entire game and that the other women would need to play more in order to give me a rest in between points. During the first game, my legs gave out at one point and I fell to the ground. I made progress every week and by the end of the season was able to get through a full game with no issues.
After that, I had my own wedding to prepare for. Thankfully we had opted for a small, simple wedding which did not require too much work and I was able to not stress about it too much. It was such a beautiful, intimate day that I will remember forever because I married my best friend who has been by my side, never wavering, every day in this journey.
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| Stolen Moments |
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This year, I have not had much in the way of obligations. At first I was so excited about all my free
time (so much Netflix!), but I quickly realized that not having projects on the go does not work for
me. I need long term goals to move
towards, or I quickly lose my inspiration to do anything.
I decided to sign up for the Brain Tumour Walk in Winnipeg this year which will be occurring June 24 (3 days after my birthday!). I already have a large group of family and friends who will be joining me to walk that day as well as collect donations on my behalf. This walk is important to me because I am giving back to the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada which has been a huge resource for me and so many others. In a way, it’s helping me feel less helpless. I am also excited for the day of the walk because it will potentially give me a chance to connect with other brain tumour survivors. (If anyone is interested in donating to the walk through my team, Breanne's Brain Tumour Battlers, you can do this online here: http://btfc.convio.net/site/TR/SpringSprint/General?pg=team&fr_id=1400&team_id=5163)
I decided to sign up for the Brain Tumour Walk in Winnipeg this year which will be occurring June 24 (3 days after my birthday!). I already have a large group of family and friends who will be joining me to walk that day as well as collect donations on my behalf. This walk is important to me because I am giving back to the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada which has been a huge resource for me and so many others. In a way, it’s helping me feel less helpless. I am also excited for the day of the walk because it will potentially give me a chance to connect with other brain tumour survivors. (If anyone is interested in donating to the walk through my team, Breanne's Brain Tumour Battlers, you can do this online here: http://btfc.convio.net/site/TR/SpringSprint/General?pg=team&fr_id=1400&team_id=5163)
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Other goals I have set for myself include building up my physical activity
tolerance. I know that I need to listen
to my body and not overdo it, but I do want to get back at least
part of who I used to be. I am going to
look into exercise programs that might benefit me.
I also have some personal projects that I want to start doing to fully redefine who I am. I used to have many hobbies and interests that I loved which ended up being put aside when I was in school and working full time. I am excited to get back into my art – including painting, sketching, and music – and working on outdoor projects.
I think a big advantage to going through everything I have with a tumour and brain surgery is that I finally feel like I can give myself permission to do the things that make me happy, say no to the things that don’t, and fully live my life the way I see fit with no guilt or regrets. There is a freedom in this view that I never would have gotten without Priscilla. So I guess I need to thank her for that.
I also have some personal projects that I want to start doing to fully redefine who I am. I used to have many hobbies and interests that I loved which ended up being put aside when I was in school and working full time. I am excited to get back into my art – including painting, sketching, and music – and working on outdoor projects.
I think a big advantage to going through everything I have with a tumour and brain surgery is that I finally feel like I can give myself permission to do the things that make me happy, say no to the things that don’t, and fully live my life the way I see fit with no guilt or regrets. There is a freedom in this view that I never would have gotten without Priscilla. So I guess I need to thank her for that.
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