Have you ever felt your heart skip a beat followed by the sensation that someone just punched you in the chest? How about having this happen three or four times in a row? I have.
Have you ever felt like your body is working against you and your ambitions? I have.
After discussions with my family physician and counsellor I chose to go off my anxiety medication in November. This resulted in the return of my panic attacks which I have been determined to manage without the use of medication. I have been making good progress in regards to managing them, but I haven't fully figured out how to prevent them (I'm told it may not even be possible to). They occur randomly: when I'm out walking, while playing different sports, when I'm sitting at work, when I'm laying in bed... Most people don't know that they have been happening again, and this is positive and negative. Positive in that I can somewhat feel "normal" but negative because there are moments when I could use some support/understanding but don't feel comfortable asking for it. As open as I have been with my experiences on this blog, I still feel a sense of shame. Shame that I can't fully function as I did before. Shame that I haven't "gotten over it" yet. I know most of it is my own assumptions of what people think of me, but I can't help feeling that people think I should stop using my experiences with the tumour and surgery as excuses for why I can't do certain things.
Another thing that I have been experiencing since my surgery but never mentioned on this blog before is something called PVCs. Pre-ventricular contractions. This is the sensation that my heart has skipped a beat, caused by my heart contracting prematurely then pausing to return to its normal rhythm. The following beat is usually more pronounced. I have other symptoms that occasionally occur with the PVCs, such as a squeezing of the chest, chest pain, dizziness, and the sensation that I'm about to faint/darkening of my vision. I'm told this is a benign condition, that many people have it but only about 1% of people with it can even detect that it's happening. I'm told all I need to do is figure out what the triggers are in order to manage them. The triggers can include caffeine, alcohol, stress, anxiety, exercise, dehydration, etc. I've tried monitoring my body's reaction to all these things but nothing seems to be a consistent trigger. The PVCs seem to be worse at certain times in a month which makes me think they may be related to changes in hormone levels. This is another thing that has been occurring to me that is invisible since I normally don't react to them. In severe cases where it feels like I've been punched in the chest or there are several skipped beats in a row I occasionally gasp and put my hand to my chest, but this is the only indication to the rest of the world that anything is happening.
The feeling that my body is working against me is a continuing frustration for me. My elevated prolactin levels continue to make my periods irregular so I never know when I'm going to get them or how long they're going to last. My body also doesn't seem to have figured out how to manage having a period so my iron levels are low, which I am told is contributing to the extreme exhaustion and chest pressure sensations I experience. My hormone levels have also been wreaking havoc on my weight. Regardless of how I've been eating or how much I exercise, I have slowly been gaining weight since the drastic weight loss I experienced as a result of the gastritis last summer. I suppose it makes sense since prolactin is usually only elevated during pregnancy in the preparation for breast feeding, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
The worry that Priscilla will return is always with me, even when I try to set it aside. My high prolactin levels are indication enough that something isn't right. I hate that this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life.
A few updates from recent appointments: after a frustrating neuro-ophthalmology appointment (this included a two hour wait - which I am accepting of but was more annoyed by no communication from people working in the clinic about the wait time - staff not doing the proper tests prior to me getting in to see the ophthalmologist and him asking me why they weren't done, the ophthalmologist not knowing anything about me or my history when I went into the room and having the wrong patients' MRI on his computer, and getting to speak to him for a total of five minutes), I found out my peripheral vision is still normal and the inflammation to my optic nerves that was present prior to my surgery was greatly reduced.
I finally saw my family physician who was able to discuss my MRI report with me in more detail. It states that my brain is normal in appearance, there is evidence of a transsphenoidal resection (the surgery I had), my residual pituitary gland looks normal, excellent post surgical appearances, and no evidence of residual adenoma.
I'm going to try to put the good news from these appointments forward to make some positive changes in my life for the new year. I'm looking for new holistic ways of managing my anxiety and panic disorders, such as signing up for yoga classes, trying new forms of exercise such as snow shoeing and dog sledding, considering light therapy, and looking for natural supplements to utilize. I also want to make some adjustments to my nutrition to help me feel as physically healthy as possible.
Here's to the hardest year of my life coming to an end.
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